on sparkler exits and drunken fools ~ things to know before your wedding makes the news

Dear Future Brides and Grooms, and Anyone That Goes To Weddings Ever,

Sparkler exits are my favorite. They can be really pretty, or they can be a nightmare if a smidge of common sense and safety aren’t used. Here’s a few observations I’ve made over the last twelve years of watching people burn the crap out of each other and themselves.

If someone is too intoxicated to drive, they’re too intoxicated to be responsible for a source of flame to light their sparkler with. Designate a Responsible Lighter Person to be in charge of the lighter, otherwise while you’re inside hugging grandma goodbye, Larry from Denver that smells like vodka and bad choices will be having his own dance party while lighting everyone’s sparklers outside. It happens a lot.
Most brides have hair spray in their hair. It’s flammable. When you’re trying to be funny with your hammered frat buddies by putting the sparkler super close to the bride to selfie, I’m about five feet away getting ready to tackle you to the ground like a well dressed linebacker. It’s in my contract. Keep your sparklers up in the air, away from people and things. It makes for better light for the photos, and a less dramatic end to the reception for you.
Get the long sparklers, at least 20″. It’ll give you time to run through the Drunken Path of Flame at least twice, and in case Larry from Denver is somehow able to overpower the Designated Lighter Person and steal the lighter, it’ll give you extra time for all those people that get lit too soon. #SeeWhatIDidThere
Have a metal bucket of water, or sand, or WeddingWire awards to put the used sparklers in afterwards. Otherwise you’ll have a lot of people standing around with burning hot wires in their hands, and your venue/yard/beach will be full of them afterwards.
Do not, under any circumstances, try to light a handful of sparklers all at once. It makes a sparkler bomb. Yes, that’s a thing. Do not bundle them together trying to save time, then extend one just a little higher and light it like a fuse. They will not all light slowly and peacefully like little bundles of happiness. They will ignite all at once, violently and with a white-hot ball of flame that will melt the skin off of your hands, and I’ve watched it happen.

Start lighting from the middle of the lines, and either have guests turn and light each other’s sparklers, or have the Designated Lighter Person do it.

And someone call an Uber for Larry.